


That look you give that guy

by Lokkanel



Series: Skam Weeks [6]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Coming Out, Crush at First Sight, Declarations Of Love, Happy Ending, Heartache, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship, song inspired fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lokkanel/pseuds/Lokkanel
Summary: Isak and Even love each other in secret.It is almost thrilling at first, but when hiding and lying to their friends begin to take a toll on Even, Isak decides to end it all. He thinks he has taken the right decision, until Even eventually moves on with someone else.A Song fic written forSkam Weeks.
Relationships: Even Bech Naeshim/Original Male Character(s), Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: Skam Weeks [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719580
Comments: 31
Kudos: 161





	That look you give that guy

**Author's Note:**

> Hei!
> 
> I was inspired to write this fic while listening to "That look you give that guy" by Eels. I've listened to this song countless times but suddenly, i imagined this story and I just had to write it... And since Skam weeks had a Song theme this month, it was perfect timing!
> 
> I've linked the music video directly in the text when you should begin to listen to it, but just in case it doesn't work, here the URL : https://youtu.be/NQwsiIlIfH8
> 
> Enjoy :)

Isak remembered the first time he laid eyes on Even.

Their respective groups of friends had ended up naturally gravitating towards each other when they were all in high school - Isak in Nissen, Even in Bakka - Sana getting less reluctant to hang out with her brother and his buddies as her crush for one of them, Yousef, grew.

Isak remembered the shock, the overwhelming wave that rose inside of him, ready to turn his life upside down when he first saw him, tall, gorgeous, confidant. Even seemed to have manifested from Isak’s wildest wet dream. But he wasn’t just ridiculously handsome, he was also funny, kind and passionate with a deep voice and a warm laugh that had the power to send a thousand butterflies swirling in Isak’s stomach.

Isak also remembered the feeling of Even laying eyes on him for the first time, how he had immediately lost himself completely into those eyes, as blue and deep as the ocean. He remembered how both terrifying and exhilarating it had been and how he had wished he could keep this intense gaze on himself forever.

He couldn't really believe it at first, he thought that he was just indulging in wishful thinking, confusing his deepest desire for reality, but Isak eventually realized that the way Even looked at him was different from the way he looked at their other friends.

There was something like a curiosity, a playfulness in the way Even looked at him, a tenderness in the way he smiled at Isak that seemed to be reserved only for him.

Everytime they were all together, Isak found himself searching for Even’s eyes across a dining table or on the other side of a crowded room at a party. Even’s look on him was like a drug Isak couldn’t get enough of, his addiction growing even more when curiosity turned into clear interest, then into undeniable want.

Until one night, at yet another high school party.

Isak couldn’t remember who was throwing it or where it was exactly, it didn’t really matter anymore. The only thing he could remember clearly was following Even outside the house to smoke, neither one of them asking their friends if they wanted to join, their knowing smiles like a silent agreement that they didn’t want anybody else with them.

They found a quiet corner in the garden, far away from prying eyes, supposedly to smoke their blunt but they knew nobody cared about that, half the people at that party were probably doing the same thing. But still, they found refuge in the darkness of the night, sitting so close that Isak could feel the warmth of Even’s body against his own, could sense the faint shiver running on his skin every time they passed the joint, letting their fingers brush against each other just a second longer than necessary.

They were both just a little bit drunk, a little bit high, a lot more daring.

And when the blunt was finally put out, when the last clouds of smoke were exhaled from their lungs, they leaned toward each other slowly, Even’s eyes firmly attached on Isak’s lips until he met them in a soft kiss.

Isak let himself forget that they were still at a party, that there were plenty of people around them, their friends included. He let himself forget how terrified he was of his deepest, most shameful secret being discovered. For just a few minutes, the rest of the world disappeared, there was only Even, the sound of his breathing, the touch of his hands on Isak's skin, the intoxicating sensation of this tongue inside his mouth.

Isak had never felt anything like that before and he knew that it wasn't just because he was finally allowing himself to act on his true desires, that it wasn't just because he was kissing a boy for the first time after forcing himself to go out with girls for so long… no, it was because it was him. Because it was Even and no-one else.

The moment they shared that first kiss, Isak knew that Even had made his a piece of his heart and that whatever would happen, it would belong to him forever.

But after a moment, when the rush of adrenaline of their first kisses and shared touches had calmed a little bit, Isak began to come back to reality, to hear the chatter and laughters of the party, to see the silhouettes of people coming and going in the garden and inside the house. He remembered that he and Even were not the only people in the world and a rush of panic washed over him.

"Even, I..." he began, his voice trembling, "I'm not... nobody knows about me."

"Nobody knows..." Even trailed off, his voice soft, his kind blue eyes encouraging Isak to say the words he had never had the courage to utter before.

"I'm gay." Isak said looking down at his lap, waiting for some divine wrath to be unleashed on him like his mother had always repeated it would happen to "those people", to "sinners". Her words still resonated in his mind even after he had left her alone in the deserted family home and ran away one night after another one of her frantic rant.

But it didn't happen. Instead, he felt Even taking his trembling hands in one his own, cupping his chin with the other to make Isak look back up at him.

"It's fine, don't worry" he murmured with a soft, reassuring smile on his lips "you don't have to tell anybody right now, you don't have to do anything if you're not ready. Okay?"

"Okay..." Isak nodded.

"Can I kiss you again before we go back to the party?" Even asked, casting a quick glance around them to make sure they were still alone and safe.

"Yes, please... kiss me." Isak said, biting his lower lips when he felt a blush spread across his cheeks at the sound of pure want and desperation in his voice.

But his self-consciousness was quickly forgotten when Even's lips met his own and kissed him with the same want and desperation.

*

From that moment, Isak and Even loved each other in secret.

They continued to steal moments just for the two of them at parties, hiding in dark corners or empty bathrooms, they held hands and pressed their thighs together under the table of bars where they were having drinks with their friends and whispering sweet nothings to each other when nobody else could hear.

They met in the secrecy of their bedrooms, in empty cinemas and little cafés on the side of town where they knew they would never run into anyone they knew.

And when they were all together with nowhere for the two lovers to hide, they just exchanged meaningful glances, silent conversations just between the two of them in the middle of their friends' chatter. Isak always marvelled at the power Even's look on him continued to have, at the way his eyes could always convey everything Even wanted to say to him but couldn't, _I missed you, you look cute today, I love it when you laugh like that, you look so fucking hot tonight, I want to kiss you, I wish I could touch you, I want you so bad right now…_

And as frustrating as it was for two young boys in love not to be able to kiss and hold each other whenever they wanted to, there was also something thrilling about it, about the secrecy, the urgency of a kiss shared the second they were out of any sight, the teasing of a hand on the other's hip as they were crossing paths or of a flirty text sent in the middle of a FIFA tournament with the boys.

But as weeks passed and as weeks turned into months, Isak could see that Even was beginning to grow more and more frustrated with their situation.

His amused and teasing looks turned into sad glances, like when Jonas and Eva flirted and kissed in front of everyone like it was the most natural thing in the world. Because for them, it was. Isak could see that it made Even sad, he knew that he wanted more than to have to hide their relationship from the people close to them. He didn't say anything, never pressured Isak, let him go at his own pace just like he had promised, but Isak knew that he was hurting. And he could feel his heart breaking a little more each time he saw Even's bright blue eyes looking at him through a veil of sadness.

"You're not happy." Isak said one day as they were lying against each other on Even's bed.

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Even asked, shifting on his side to be able to look at Isak.

"You're not happy." Isak repeated, using all the strength he had just to hold Even's gaze, "I can see it. And I'm so sorry because I know it's because of me..."

"What? Baby no... of course I'm happy with you, there nowhere else I'd want to be right now." Even tried to reassure him, gently brushing Isak's cheek with his hand.

Isak resisted the urge to just nuzzle into Even's touch and trust him when he said that this was enough. But he knew he would only be selfish if he did that.

So he continued, "Right now maybe, when it's just the two of us... but I know that you want more, that you'd want us to be out, to be a real couple."

"We are a real couple..."

"You know what I mean, Even." Isak cut him off, sitting up in the bed followed by Even, "and I wish I could give you what you want, I really wish I could be as brave as you'd need me to be but I can't... I just can't."

"And I told you you didn't have to do or say anything until you were ready." Even countered.

"I know, and I'm so grateful for your patience... but the truth is I don't know if I'll ever be ready and I can see that I'm making you miserable and holding you back. In a few month you'll go to uni and I don't want you to miss out on what's supposed to be the coolest years of your life, hiding because your boyfriend is just a scared little boy… I don't want you to continue to have to lie for my sake to your friends and your parents, I don't want you to feel like there's something wrong with you because... because you're the best person I know, Even." Isak blurted out, as fast as he could before he could be stopped by the sobs he felt were about to pour out between his trembling lips.

"What... what are you saying?"

"This... this isn't fair to you. You deserve more." Isak said, looking away from Even's eyes when he saw them beginning to fill with tears.

"Are you breaking up with me?" Even asked, his voice breaking.

"I'm sorry..." Isak said, getting up from the bed. He felt Even's gaze follow him but he just couldn't look back at him, he knew he wouldn't have the strength to hold his gaze and that he would end up falling on the ground in tears or lunge at Even and beg him to forget he ever said anything, “it’s better this way.”

“Isak…”

But before Even could say anything else, Isak was out the door, walking away as fast as his wobbling legs allowed him until he was far enough to let the tears he had been holding up burst out of him.

*

Isak tried avoiding Even as best as he could but he couldn’t keep on bailing on his friends every time they were meeting the Bakka boys.

When they were all together, Isak could always feel Even’s eyes on him. He tried to avoid them, forced himself to look away from him but sometimes he just couldn’t stop himself and met Even’s eyes. They were sad, so sad that Isak was sure the blue of his irises had turned a little paler, their colors like faded away from the tears that Isak could sometimes see gathering at the corner of Even’s eyes.

It was unbearable.

Then came fall, Even and his friends went to university. They made new friends, had a lot of work to do, a little less time to meet with their younger friends. Isak was relieved, he missed Even like crazy but seeing him and his pleading eyes was a lot more hurtful.

So he concentrated on his studies, told himself that Even was probably happier, free to meet new people, to finally be himself, to be his wonderful self completely and unapologetically without Isak holding him back.

As time passed, Even began to look at Isak less and less each time they all met. It hurt, but Isak was relieved. Even more so as he saw that beautiful sparkle shine in his eyes again, as he saw Even’s smile grew wide again and his laugh, and heard his deep and joyful laugh began to resonate again. 

_He's happy_ , Isak thought, _without me but he's happy_.

Isak started to make his peace with it, to even think that maybe they would soon be able to be friends again, to talk and laugh like they used to. Maybe Isak hadn’t ruin everything that could be between them.

But one day, Isak realized that he hadn’t thought about everything that setting Even free from him would entail, or if he did, he had then pushed it as far away as he could at the back of his mind until he could pretend that this eventuality didn’t exist.

But eventually, Even moved on.

Isak, Magnus and Mahdi were having pre-drinks at Jonas' on a Friday night before meeting the girls at some ex Bakka student party.

"Have you heard about Even?" Mahdi suddenly asked.

"Wh… what about him?" Isak stuttered, taking another swing of his beer to hide his instant turmoil at the mention of Even.

"He's coming with his boyfriend tonight." Mahdi grinned.

"What? Even is gay?! Since when?" Magnus shrieked with that signature subtlety of his.

"Nah he's bi, he's into girls too." Jonas shrugged like it was completely normal and no big deal at all to discuss the fact that Even was not only into boys but bringing his new boyfriend to the party they were going to that night.

"I think he's pan, actually." Mahdi said.

"What's pan?" Magnus asked.

"It's also when you like girls and guys."

"So what's the difference with bi huh?" Magnus continued, confused, "Isak? Do you…"

"The fuck do I know?!" Isak blurted out and hoped his friends couldn't tell that he was out of breath, how fast his heart was beating or how flushed his skin felt.

But their attention was quickly diverted from him the moment Magnus asked, "Do you think it's that mystery person he was seeing?"

"Nah, apparently they met in uni so…" 

"What… mystery person?" Isak asked carefully.

"Last year, the guys were sure Even was seeing someone but he never told them who it was… and then he got like, super depressed but he also stopped having secret meetups all the time or texting the _mystery someone_ so they figured that they broke up or something." Magnus explained and Isak felt his heart sunk in his chest.

"Well, apparently he's over it so…" Jonas said casually as if he hadn’t just broken another little piece of his best friend's heart, "how about we stop discussing Even's love life and actually go the party yeah?"

_He's over it._

_Of course he is. Good for him._

They made their way to the party, Isak walking just a few steps behind his friends, not able to take part in their drunken banter when he felt like he had suddenly sobered up and had to fight the tears threatening to run down his face. He contemplated just bailing on them, pretending that he wasn't feeling well and taking the first tram back home. But he knew he’d had to face Even eventually. Even and his new boyfriend, the person that was brave enough to really be with him, to love him like he deserved to be loved, openly and with no shame.

Isak saw Even the moment they got to the house where the party was held. He looked gorgeous, stunning as always, his smile was big and bright, he looked happy. And Isak knew that he should too feel happy about it, because it was exactly what he had wanted for Even. But the truth was that realising he wasn't the reason for Even's happiness, that this guy next to him, touching him, smiling and talking to his friends, was the reason for Even's joyful smile, it hurt. It hurt like hell.

And the worst part was to see how Even was looking at him, at that guy he had moved on with. How his eyes lit up when he laid eyes on him, when he said something funny or kissed Even on the lips.

Isak never thought he would ever see Even looking at anybody else like that. And it was utter torture.

"You okay there?" Jonas asked him, his brows furrowed as he watched Isak downing his fourth (or was it fifth?) shot of cheap vodka.

"Yup, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He shrugged.

"I don't know just… maybe slow down a bit yeah? I don't want to have to carry your drunken ass back home."

"Whatever, I'm fine." Isak waived him off..

But he wasn't fine. How could he be?

And it just got worse and worse the more time passed and he had to watch Even's boyfriend naturally make his way into their friends group. They all liked him, he was smart, funny, charming, everything Even deserved. And everybody was happy for Even, just like they probably would have been for them, Isak and Even, if only he hadn't been so fucking scared. If only he had trusted his friends to be the amazing, warm and open-minded persons they were and not been terrified of losing everything and everyone if they were to know that Isak liked boys.

That he loved one boy.

So now Even was with someone else, looked at someone else the way Isak ached to be looked at again. And he had no-one else to blame but himself.

*

Another friday evening, another party.

Another excruciating night for Isak having to see Even with that guy and to pretend that he was doing good and having fun.

Isak, Jonas and the boys ended up smoking outside in the garden, sitting in a circle on the patio at the back of the house, chatting joyfully as Jonas played some songs at the guitar. Even was right in front of Isak, his head leaned back against the wall of the house laughing at something Mikael was telling him and Isak felt his heart ache at the thought that he wanted nothing more than to seat right beside him, to hold him and feel the vibration of his body as he laughed.

His boyfriend was not with them, he had stayed inside, the night was a little bit cold and he didn't smoke anyway. So Isak let himself do what he had been avoiding to do for the past few months, he let himself look at Even just a little bit. He looked at his large hands moving about as he spoke with Mikael and remembered the comfort of their touch, he looked at his pale skin and remembered how soft and warm it felt against his, he looked at the full lips he had kissed so many times before, and if he was careful not to meet them, he looked at Even's blue eyes who used to look at him like he was just the most wonderful thing in this world.

Taken by a sudden rush of courage, Isak turned to Jonas when he finished the song he'd been playing at the guitar, nodding towards the instrument, "Can I play something?" he asked.

Jonas looked at him with wide eyes, his big eyebrows raised in surprise and disbelief, "You sure?"

Isak had never agreed to play in front of other people before. Even Jonas, his best friend since forever, had barely heard him play - let alone sing - just a handful of times. He reserved that to the privacy of his bedroom when there was nobody else to hear. Well, he did play songs for Even, because there was nothing Isak was ashamed of or shy about when he was with Even, but of course Jonas didn't know that.

"Yes, I'm sure." Isak answered, "So, can I?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." Jonas said enthusiastically as he handed his guitar over to Isak.

Isak looked down at the instrument now lying on his crossed legs and suddenly, the voices of his friends faltered until all he could hear was the distant noise of the party, and he felt all their eyes fixed on him. They were all probably just as surprised as Jonas, most of them probably didn't even know that Isak played or didn't believe it because they'd never witnessed it, so now they had turned all their attention to Isak, waiting for him to begin.

 _There's no turning back now_ , Isak thought, taking a deep breath as he let the silence stretch out for a little bit longer.

With trembling hands, Isak played the first chords of the song, his eyes still locked on the guitar as if he could somehow forget that he was still surrounded by his friends at some party and not safely locked in his room with the only person he wanted to sing to.

[He began to sing, his voice so low at first that it seemed like he was saying the words only to himself.](https://youtu.be/NQwsiIlIfH8)

> _I never thought that I could be so bold_
> 
> _To even say these thoughts aloud_
> 
> _I see you with your man, your eyes just shine_
> 
> _While he stands tall and walk in proud_

But he wasn't singing these words only to himself. No, they were meant for the boy who was still sitting right in front of him and who Isak had let go like an idiot when he was just about the best thing that ever happened to him. Tonight he was going to be brave, tonight Isak was going to let him know that leaving him was the biggest mistake he had ever made, that he couldn't stand being apart from him or seeing him with somebody else.

So Isak looked up and felt his heart bolt when he saw Even looking right back at him, the intensity of his look piercing through him like an arrow.

> _That look you give that guy, I wanna see_
> 
> _Looking right at me_
> 
> _If I could be that guy instead of me_
> 
> _I'd never let you down_

Even's gaze was still firmly fixed on Isak but the look in his eyes got softer, and also maybe a little bit confused, as if he wanted to ask Isak a thousand questions. And Isak was ready to give him a thousand answers and more but at that moment, as they were sitting there surrounded by their friends, all he could do was to keep singing. 

> _It always seems like you're going somewhere_
> 
> _Better than you've been before_
> 
> _Well, I go to sleep, and I dream all night_
> 
> _Of you knocking on my door_

Isak had spent so many nights alone in his cold and empty bed, wishing, dreaming that Even would come back to him, and ask him to take him back. But he didn’t and Isak couldn’t blame him. He was the one who had walked away, he was the one who had broken what they had. Even had only respected his decision, like he had always done.

But now Isak was ready. He was ready to be the man Even needed him to be, he was ready to be brave, ready to shout at the top of his lungs that he was in love with Even Bech Næsheim to anyone who would listen.

If only Even was willing to give him another chance.

> _That look you give that guy, I wanna see_
> 
> _Looking right at me_
> 
> _If I could be that guy instead of me_
> 
> _I'd be all I can be, I'd be all I can be_

Even was still looking at him, he looked shaken but his gaze on Isak never faltered. Isak had always been to understand everything Even had tried to tell him without words during their little silent conversations, but at that moment, there was something in his eyes that Isak couldn’t decipher and it scared him.

Maybe it had been an enormous mistake, maybe he was just making a complete fool out of himself and ruining the small chance that he’d had to build a new friendship with Even, by pursuing him like that when he had someone else in his life.

But again, there was no turning back now. So Isak took a deep breath and continued.

> _I never thought that I could be so bold_
> 
> _To even say these thoughts aloud_
> 
> _But if, let's say, it won't work out_
> 
> _You know where I can be found_

When Isak finished the song about a minute later, there was a moment of silence, a second when he felt like time stood still, Even's blue eyes still boring into his own.

Then, he heard the voices of the guys echoing around him but he couldn't hear what they were saying, still as entranced by Even's gaze as he was terrified.

But the spell was broken the moment Even's boyfriend plopped down next to him and kissed him on the cheek with a cheerful "Hey babe!".

Even tore his eyes away from Isak to look at him and it felt like a punch in the gut, "Hi…" he answered a little bit awkwardly but his boyfriend seemed completely oblivious to his unease or to the electricity in the air.

"Oh Isak, I didn't know you played?" he said when he saw the guitar still in Isak's hands.

"Hum… no, not really." Isak stuttered as he rose back up to his feet, handing Jonas his guitar back, "I'm gonna go get a drink." he said before walking away without looking back at them, unable to watch him and Even holding hands or sharing more kisses.

Isak got back inside the house but instead of stopping in the kitchen to grab something to drink, he just continued to walk until he reached the front door, he opened it and left into the night.

*

When he got home about half an hour later, Isak checked his phone to find a few texts from Jonas

**Jonas**

_Where are you man? I thought you were getting a drink?_

_Vilde told me she saw you leaving the house, you okay?_

_Isak??_

**Isak**

_Sorry, I wasn't feeling well._

_I’m home now._

**Jonas**

_Okay, just text me next time okay?_

_Talk to you tomorrow?_

**Isak**

_Yeah, okay. Goodnight_.

*

Isak got into the shower, letting the warm water run down his body, still buzzing after the events of the night. He tried to breathe deeply, to calm his thoughts and slow his heart but when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Even and the unreadable look in his eyes as he listened to Isak pour his heart out to him.

Was he mad that Isak had chosen to do it this way, in front of their friends, his boyfriend almost? Was he disappointed that it took Isak this long? Did he understand everything that Isak was trying to say? Did he even care anymore?

Isak dragged his feet through the silent apartment, empty except for Linn who was probably already fast asleep, and got to his room where he let himself fall on his bed, letting out a deep sigh.

He would probably not be able to sleep a wink that night, so Isak wondered if he should open his laptop and put on a few episodes of Narcos or just maybe listen to some music or…

Isak's trail of thoughts was interrupted by the sound of his phone buzzing on the nightstand. He picked it up and felt his heart skip a beat when he saw Even's name appearing on the screen. Isak cleared his throat and had to take a couple of deep breaths before he answered, his voice still a little unsure when he spoke.

"Hei…" he said, hearing the distant sound of the party Even was still at through the phone.

“Did you mean it?” Even asked him in a slightly slurred voice.

“Even, are you drunk?” Isak asked carefully.

“Maybe. Yeah, a little bit.”

“I don’t think we should talk right now, maybe we…”

“Did you mean it?” Even asked again more firmly, cutting Isak off.

“Yes…” Isak breathed out, “yes of course, I meant every word.”

> _That look you give that guy, I wanna see_
> 
> _Looking right at me_
> 
> _If I could be that guy instead of me_
> 
> _I'd give you all I got_

“Okay.” Even simply said.

“Even, what…”

“Goodnight Isak.”

Isak didn’t understand what it meant. Only that, those last words sounded so final that he knew there was no use in trying to keep talking, in begging Even to take him back. Even had heard everything he needed to hear and now he didn’t want Isak to say more.

“Goodnight.” he answered.

There was a pause, a brief suspended moment when they stayed silent, the sound of their breathings through the phone the only sign of the other’s presence, and then Even hung up. 

If Isak didn’t think he would be able to sleep before, now he was definitely wide awake. He forgot about music or Netflix and just stayed still, lying in his bed, his heart pounding, not letting him a moment of rest.

*

It was only when his phone went off again that Isak realized his bedroom was now bathing in the morning sunlight and that he had let the entire night go by, watching the ceiling as his mind screamed _Even, Even, Even_.

He grabbed his phone, hoping Even was calling him again, that he was ready to continue their conversation, that he had sobered up and really wanted to talk this time. But he couldn’t help letting out a sigh of disappointment when he looked at the screen and saw his best friend’s name instead.

“Hei Jonas…” he said, hoping his voice didn’t betray his somber mood and sleepless night.

“Hei man, you okay?” Jonas asked, chirpy as always even if Isak sensed he was carefully trying to know how Isak was really doing after the previous night. It wasn’t like him to just leave a party without letting Jonas know, even if he really was not feeling well. Jonas knew something was up and Isak was going to have to talk to him eventually.

“Yeah, yeah I’m good, you?”

“Pretty hangovered... wanna meet me for kebabs later? Just you and me?”

There it was, Isak smiled to himself. They always had those little ways of saying to each other _I’m here for you if you need to talk_ , without ever pushing the other or prying into their problems. 

“Yeah, sounds good.” Isak answered.

He was ready, it was time.

*

A few hours later, Isak and Jonas were sitting on a bench, talking about nothing and everything while they ate their kebabs. Jonas began telling him about what he had missed the night before after he had left the party, like Magnus failing miserably at his millionth attempt to flirt with Vilde. 

"So, about last night…" Jonas said carefully after a moment of silence.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I just bailed like that." Isak said, still unsure about how to say all the things he wanted to say to Jonas, "I just… I was upset."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I was upset because…" Isak began, then took a deep breath before adding, "well, there's someone I like, really like a lot and we had something for a while but I fucked up and… yeah now I don't know if I can fix it." he blurted out, then turned his head to throw a quick glance at Jonas who was looking at him, simply nodding his head to show Isak he was listening.

"And that someone…" Jonas said, then waited for Isak to say more.

"Well, about that um…" Isak looked down at the kebab, getting cold between his hands, "it's not… a girl."

"Okay…” Jonas simply said, like this was absolutely no big deal at all, and Isak felt like a ton had suddenly been lifted off his shoulders when he saw his best friend’s unfazed reaction. After a short pause, Jonas asked, “is it, Even? This song last night, it was for him wasn't it?"

"Yeah…” Isak breathed out, feeling his heart clench when he thought back at that moment the night before. “But how do you… you're not surprised?"

"I don't know, I just always saw that there was something special between the two of you…” Jonas said, looking pensive, a small smile at the corner of his lips, “I mean I didn't think you were together or anything but you seemed to always have these inside jokes and stuff, like there was some secret world the rest of us weren't a part of…"

"Really?" feeling his heart swell with tenderness for his friend but also at the souvenir of this little parallel universe Even and him had created and that only belonged to them.

"Yeah… I was kinda jealous to be honest." Jonas shrugged, huffing out a small almost embarrassed laugh. 

"What?!"

"I don't know man, I thought you’d found yourself a new best friend or whatever…" Jonas said blushing just a little bit.

"Aww Jonas…" Isak teased him.

"Don't you aww me.” Jonas warned him playfully, then after a moment, “But, I understand now…"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before…"

"No, don't be.” Jonas frowned, “But um… what happened with Even?"

"I just wasn't ready to be with him… openly. I'm not out to anybody, well except you now…” Isak said looking out in the distance and felt Jonas gently squeezing his shoulder, “And he said he was fine with it but I could see how it was weighing on him so... I ended it, because I thought it was what was best for him."

"Shit…" Isak heard his friend mutter next to him.

"Yeah, and now I don't think he'll forgive me or that he'll ever want me back.” Isak sighed, “I mean why would he? He's with someone else, someone that everybody seems to love and who can make him happy while I… I was just a coward."

> _I'm nothing like what I'd like to be_
> 
> _I'm nothing much, I know it's true_
> 
> _I lack the style and the pedigree_
> 
> _And my chances are so few_

"What are you talking about?” Jonas protested, “I know how much courage it took you to do what you did yesterday, and I'm sure Even does too… Also, this guy he's with now, yeah he's really cool and all that, but I can see that what they have don't compare to how you two were before all that… he'll come around, I'm sure he will."

"Thank you…” Isak said, bumping their shoulders together, “how could I ever want another best friend eh?" he winked at Jonas.

"Shut up…" Jonas shoved him playfully, a beaming smile spread across his face.

They finished eating their kebabs, joking like they always did. Isak had not felt this sensation of lightness and joy in months and he knew he never wanted to go back to living hidden in shame. He would talk to his friends as soon as he got the chance, in time he would even try to talk to his mom. He was ready to stop pretending, to stop living this fake life and really be happy.

Well, as much as he could be without Even.

*

Isak and Jonas spent the rest of the afternoon hanging out together, naturally coming back to their usual banter as if nothing had changed. As if Isak’s life hadn’t been completely transformed from here then. 

Jonas got a call about another party that night but Isak declined. 

He wasn’t ready to see everyone at once and be surrounded by so many people, but above all he wasn’t ready to see Even if he happened to be there too. Not like that, not with _him_.

So he got home to find Eskild singing in the bathroom, getting ready to go out, _because Saturday nights are meant for having fun, not moping around in your bedroom baby Jesus!_

Isak rolled his eyes and fixed himself something to eat before plopping down on the couch next to Linn who was watching some tv show he’d never seen before, wrapped inside a big blanket. She explained him the basics of the show so that he understood what was going on and they fell back in a comfortable silence while Eskild rummaged through the entire apartment to find his keys, his wallet, changed his clothes again before coming back to his first outfit and finally waved them goodbye from the hallway.

They watched a couple more episodes, until Linn got up from the couch and announced that she was going to sleep before dragging her feet to her bedroom, the blanket sliding behind her on the floor like a train.

Isak found himself alone in the empty living room. He was pretty tired after his previous sleepless night but not willing to go to bed just yet. What was the point? He would probably just end up staring at the ceiling and think about Even again, wondering where he was, what he was doing and if he was thinking of him… He was already checking his phone every other minute to see if Even had tried to call him or sent him a text, if he would ever give Isak something more than the last conversation he cut short so quickly.

Isak was so lost in his thoughts he almost missed the soft knocking sound coming from the front door. He stood still for a moment, thinking maybe he’d imagined it but after a few seconds, he heard it again, a little firmer and louder this time, four clear knocks on the door.

Isak got up and made his way to the hallway, wondering who would come knocking at this hour on a saturday. Maybe Eskild had forgotten his keys as usual, but he wouldn’t come home at this hour except maybe if he got lucky and Isak hoped with all his might that it wasn’t the case. Or maybe it was one of the boys coming to try to convince him to come to the party after all, a supposition which didn’t really please him either.

He let out an annoyed sigh before opening the front door and froze, completely stunned when he saw Even standing on the other side.

> _Well, I go to sleep, and I dream all night_
> 
> _Of you knocking on my door_

Isak felt his heart suddenly throbbing in his chest, he felt like he had stopped breathing for a moment. He looked at Even with wide eyes, his lips parted in surprise and after clearing his throat, not trusting his voice not to betray his complete shock, he finally managed to murmur a “Halla.”

“Halla.” Even responded with a small, almost shy smile on his lips, his deep voice resonating in the staircase.

When Isak stayed silent, completely taken aback by his presence on his doorstep, Even began to grow a little bit insecure, his eyes left Isak’s to look down at his feet, then at the stairs as if he was contemplating leaving already. Isak couldn’t let that happen, so he snapped out his torpeur and stammered, “Do you um… do you want to come in?”

“Yeah, okay.” Even nodded and followed Isak inside the apartment.

“Do you want something to drink? Water? Beer? I think we have some orange juice left…” Isak blurted out as he led them to the kitchen.

“Isak.” Even cut him off, “I’m fine, I don’t want anything.”

“Oh, okay.” Isak nodded and looked down at his feet, feeling like if he met Even’s eyes, his already wobbly knees would probably give out.

“I just…” Even trailed off, coming closer until he was standing right in front of Isak, so close that Isak felt his entire body tremble, resisting the urge to take another step until he could finally touch Even again.

“I just came to see you.” Even said almost in a murmur.

Then, he lifted his hand slowly, a little hesitant as if he didn’t want to scare Isak away, until he was cupping his jaw and tilting his head up so that their eyes could meet.

“I miss you.” He breathed out, the warmth of his palm on Isak’s skin setting fire to his entire body.

Isak leaned into Even’s touch and let out a shaky breath as he closed his eyes and nuzzled his cheek into his hand.

“I miss you too, so much.”

Even took another step forward, whispering Isak’s name before he leaned in and brought their lips together. Isak suddenly felt lightheaded, he grabbed onto Even’s sweater for dear life and felt Even wrap his arm around his waist, anchoring him and bringing him even closer to him.

They kissed with all the tenderness, all the ardour and longing that had built up during these months apart. Isak never wanted to stop, never wanted to let go of Even again but he had to know, he had to ask. So he reluctantly broke their kiss, and looked up at Even, taking in his swollen lips, his rosy cheeks and darkened eyes. “But… what about…”

“It’s over.” Even said before Isak could finish his question, “I ended it, it’s over.”

> _I never thought that I could be so bold_
> 
> _To even say these thoughts aloud_
> 
> _But if, let's say, it won't work out_
> 
> _You know where I can be found_

“I’m… I’m sorry if I've ruined things for you.” Isak said sheepishly.

“What? You didn't ruin anything” Even shook his head, “Isak, baby it didn't matter. There’s only you, it's always been you. I don’t want anybody else, I don’t see anybody else. Only you.”

Isak let out a relieved sigh and leaned towards Even again, pressing their foreheads together. They smiled and closed their eyes for a moment, just basking in each other's presence, in the warmth of their touch and the melody of their breathing.

“I’m so sorry for everything.” Isak said and quickly continued when he sensed that Even was going to protest again, “I hurt you, I know I did, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to hide, to lie and to pretend… I want to be with you and I want everybody to know that… I’m yours.”

> _If I could be that guy instead of me_
> 
> _I'd never let you down, I'd never let you down_

“And I’m yours.” Even murmured, nuzzling their noses together and making Isak huff out a soft laugh.

Isak pulled Even back against his chest, against his mouth, letting their lips and their tongues seal the whispered promises of love they had just made each other.

*

When he woke up the next morning, Isak felt the weight and the warmth of another body in his bed. He fluttered his eyes open to find Even, lying on his side, his pale skin and golden hair glowing in the morning sunlight and his deep blue eyes looking right back at him.

“Morning love.” Even smiled, gently stroking Isak’s cheek as he watched him slowly waking up.

Isak felt his heart swell and his body shiver when he met that look in Even’s eyes, that look filled with awe, with devotion and want, that look that told Isak he was the most precious thing is Even’s world.

 _That look_ …

Isak realized how wrong he’d been. Even had never given that look to anybody else, and certainly not that guy.

No, it was his, only his.

And by the way Even bore his eyes into his own, Isak knew with absolute certainty that he could see the exact same thing.

_Only you._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I really enjoyed writing this fic. Building a story around the lyrics of a song was not something I had done before and it was a really fun new way to write.  
> And I love this song so much, so I really hope that I did it justice.
> 
> I hope you liked this :)
> 
> I’m on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lokkanel) and [tumblr](https://lokkanel.tumblr.com/), come say hello !  
> Much Love  
> L.


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